Shoot For FTM Calendar.

Photographer: Paride Odierna. Model: Cairo Nevitt Category: Pre-T. Stylist Lala Monroe.

Deferring My Place At University.
























Let's just say it wasn't the typical exciting freshers week that I had in mind, After seeing the latest version of the programme breakdown. I decided to give up Film combined with Spanish and move back to the single honours in Film, because I was only informed two days before that I wouldn't be able to do the Production modules if I did Spanish! Which is the whole point of why I am going to university.

I was told it's a simple process, all I need to do is print of an official form and get both head of the each department to sign it. That didn't happen,  I had some issues with one of the lecturers, I don't understand what his problem was, but he really did everything to put me off. I keep coming back with good answers, I did everything he asked of me and then he still didn't sign it, He was quite sarcastic he basically told me to carry on and get on with it because that's what I signed up for.

Well no, I ain't paying £9,000 a year to just get on with nothing ! My official enrolment was the next day  I told him I am running out of time to swap, either way I need to know by the end of the day. Because if film production is full, then I will wait and come back next year. I want to have the same start as everybody else. (Both in terms of the information given in the sessions and in terms of group dynamics.)  
He literally didn't care, I don't believe he had any intention to put me on the course...when he doesn't even know me, I could be his one of his best student for all he knows and yet he chose to judge me in all the wrong ways! 


I also told him that I am transgender the day before and he didn't seem to take note on that, that whole talk about pronouns or calling me Cairo through the register instead of Ciarra went out the window. I was annoyed, because he pronounced Ciarra perfectly and no stranger ever did, literally no one, not in schools, not in castings, no one ever knows how it sounds the first time they read it. I knew he remembered our conversation. I asked him if he could point me in the right direction, as I would like to speak to someone else about this to get their advice. He said "you could do what you want, but you still need my signature."  I was starting to get pissed off, I still remained calmed. He originally said I could attend the introduction session with the film production students, But then he randomly said he didn't want me to. I was so annoyed at this point, I just had to end the conversation there.

I walked out the room, composed but I was furious. I walked through the campus not knowing really what to do next, which department to talk to, what to say, for the last two days since I been having trouble swapping over, when other students did so without any hassle, I just felt so confused. I starting doubting everything. I walked away from all the other freshers, I headed for a space without people, I cried in the car park. I just felt like if only people could understand this is really difficult as it is you know, I don't need people to purposely make things hard. I called my girlfriend and spoke to her about how I was feeling and I felt so torn. 

I was doubting if I am ready to start my degree now, while I am in the early stages of transitioning, I don't know if i can do it. I am someone that doesn't usually give up so easy, but I just felt like there's no point fighting for something, if it doesn't feel right; in my heart something is telling me, this isn't the right time to start my degree. Part of me felt so excited and I was already on the university grounds, the stubbornest in me says I earned a place to be here like everyone else. Stand your ground. But deep down I know I am not ready. It takes a lot to admit you aren't strong enough.

I walked around everywhere trying to find someone to talk to, I couldn't find the student welfare officer for a second opinion, all those things were not open until next week. Eventually I found the registration offices, I spoke to two ladies who were really kind and understanding they said they can change it and put me on the right course, as I already had the signature saying I have left the Spanish department and because I originally received an unconditional offer for the Film programme. (I just thought I would have to work twice as hard and get my Spanish alongside.) I felt so relieved, I cried. 


Although after that even with the problem fixed, I still felt torn, should I stay? or do I come back next year?  I battled with myself all evening. The next day, I went back to the same office and they had changed my details which made me happy. I said I know this is where I want to study. I know this is the subject want my degree in. However I would like to defer it for a year, so that I can come back and put my mind heart and soul into.I walked through the campus, mentally capturing every step as if it was a walk I should remember. A pathway, I will some day be familiar with. I tried my best not to feel defeated "I am coming back" a voice whispered, I will come back next year and conquer. This year, I will learn the ropes. Rome wasn't built in a day, neither is Cairo. 



Transformation Tuesday

Before and After 8 Weeks of consistent workouts. 

The main tips is to change what you eat and work out. It's not really a secret it's just takes action, if you want abs, you got to work for them. I do regular cardio workouts too, as its good for your overall health. (I am not looking to burn to much weight, My aim is to bulk up.)  However if weight loss is your goal; then I would recommend increasing your cardio, run, walk, do what you gotta do, but just do it. A couple of times a weeks, if you expect to see results. Don't waste your time with extreme diets, it just takes good old fashion exercise and regular meals, decent portions;  but just better choices.

This is link to a list of food that are known to be good for you as well as showing your abs: http://www.eatthis.com/foods-for-abs-ranked


In terms of routines, I just find Youtube videos and teach myself, I am still finding what works for me; for now I have mostly been using the Abs crunching machine with a light weight and doing 'leg raises' at the gym on the power station.

I am someone who has a sweet tooth and chocolate was my weakness!That was the challenging part for me to stop eating lots of cakes and chocolate bars and anything that has been covered in sugar. However my long term goals is way more important that short term pleasure so, here we are 8 weeks later. I have started eating bananas, blue berries and oats or Greek for breakfast. I am a changed man. I have more energy now that I am eating cleaner. My mind feels clearer too. It actually amazing what small changes can do!   


FTM FITNESS JOURNEY



To start off with, I just want to make it clear I am not a trained fitness professional, however after years of being a performer I have picked up tips on how to look after my body.  After being ill for months and having to take time to recover from an injury, I can also tell the importance of making sure you make time to rest and do be too hard on yourselves.

While I was ill, I was literally unable to be active over a course of two months, this really got me down. I also was eating more because I was on medication. Then as well when I was feeling depressed, I lost my appetite. It was really hard to begin with, to make sure I am eating the right type and amounts of food. I had to be very careful when working out because getting my general health back to normal has been my main goal.

I have had my challenges, I have been angry and frustrated. I Started working out and had to stop, due to my knee injury or because my victim D was low and I was still getting loads of aches and pains. I started back up, after a while I had to stop because the doctors where worried about my heart and they put me on a 7 day tape. Thankfully my heart is okay! I have had to really work on my minimising my stress and anxiety levels. Like it’s not been the smoothest ride. 

I have felt like giving up some days, but then I have to remind myself who I am. I never give up. I shouldn’t start now!  I want to take care of my body, I want to focus on living a healthy life style and I want to be stronger both physically and mentally.  I know that will help me as I transition.
  
I don’t have all the answers, I am just sharing as I am learning. I do know, that if you want something you got to go out and make it happen. What you give, you get back. You need to be prepared to work, you need to put your heart and soul into your choices otherwise, what’s the point.

There are no short cuts, if you want to achieve your goals, it’s down to you. Somethings take time, and you just got to persevere and do the best you can now.  Sure, I can’t do anything about the current NHS waiting times to get to a gender clinic nor can I do anything to speed up the process to start hormone therapy. I can, however start getting into shape. Taking T (Testosterone), isn’t the magic answer. I have had to look at hormone therapy like the icing on the cake; There is more to work on beforehand. (Remember some guys naturally transition.)  It’s everything, even as an actor, I know the importance of the way you carry yourself, from the way you walk to the way you interact with others. Keep your mind occupied, don’t put your life on hold until you get hormones, try take up a new hobby, whatever makes you happy.


I would recommend working out. I chose to work out because I believe it’s a positive way I can make change in my life. Working out has helped with my anger, it has helped decrease my dysphoria and boost my confidence. The race is long, but at the end of the day, its only with myself. Don’t get caught up on jealousy; Focus on your own journey and never compare yourself to others. It’s a waste on time and energy. Strive to be your own personal best!
  

FTM ON HOLIDAY

This was my first summer holiday as a transman,  I was heading for Madrid with My girlfriend and her younger two siblings. I was very much looking forward to having time away, to get my head clear ready for when I get back as shortly after I will be starting University!

I was excited about everything except for when I thought about getting in the pool. I decided that I cannot let my dysphoria control me, or to be a prisoner of my body.No Way! I love the sun! In the end I just wore board shorts and a sport bra----------------->

Sure some people looked at me, but also not as much as I would have thought. I didn’t make it a big deal, others didn’t make a big deal.  

It reminded me of my teenage years, when use to lived in Spain,  I would go swimming in a t-shirt and gym shorts. I forgot that I never wore a bikini until I was about 23. Simply because I never liked my body as a teenager, I just never wanted to wear one. (Obviously after modelling and acting I did wear things I would never have otherwise.)

Another thing I wouldn’t usually do; is walk around without wearing a sports bra... 
Especially because I use them to bind, However it was a heat wave in Spain and after the two days of suffering and getting pain in my ribs, I literally just couldn’t bear it. In the end, during the day I wore an oversized vest top that was fitted under the arms. it worked. I tried not to think about it to much.
Overall I was forced to step out of my comfort zone, which pushes you to grow.

While shopping in the centre, I decided to use the Men's changing room because there weren't any one working on the entrance. I felt so happy that I could just get changed on the same level like all the other guys, its not a lot to ask for really. Yet it made my whole shopping experience so much more enjoyable. Next time I am shopping in London; I have decided that I will use the Men's changing room and I will challenge anyone who refuses to let me. I won't be going up and down floors a million times! life will be simpler. =P