RUM KNUCKLES

Jumper by Rum Knuckles. Photographer Eboni Dixion.

Drag for the first time! because why not!

     Don't Be a Drag... Just be a King! XD

Make up By Lauren Nichols. 
#actorslife #dragking #audition #Transformation =P


Trans friendly toliets!

The Young Vic has always been one of my favorite theatre's for a millions reasons, However when I saw these transgender signs on the entrance of their toilet's I feel in love with the Young Vic even more. Its the little things that count, once again the Young Vic is leading the way. #Salute!

     #YoungVic #Transpride #Transfriendlyspaces


I attended the Primark SS17 press launch with my good friend Eboni + Ivory. I have to say I am quite excited about their new SS17 collection, Primark has upped it's game and their designs and cuts are much more high end fashion than they have ever been. I spoke to one of the designs and he told me how Primark has put alot into really being selective and pushing for higher quality products. Their clothes are made with better cuts and designs to ensure that their style is point, as they are no just a budget shop, they pride themselves on being an a afforable fashion bran. I for one, will certainly be looking forward to seeing the SS17 collection hit the stores, I will defiantly do a follow up post. After the Press Day I went to the nearest Primark Store, I was intrigued by their smart casual range and bellow is an outfit I put together for less than £40.


Primark Men's Suede Jacket £23

Primark Smart Long Sleeve £6


Primark  Smart Trousers- £5 (usually £10)

You can always add your own accessories and a good pair of shoes.  

Marc Jacobs Watch- Rose Gold.  

MR HARE Shoes.  

COURAGE.



"Life Shrinks or expands depending on ones courage." 

I Am Enough

#BeProudOfWhoYouAre
I am enough. So are You!#Believe 

Transman Award





I enjoyed every moment of the Being A Man Festival, all the talks and workshops were on point! I was proud to be asked to be on the Transgender Panel,  I was quite nervous as it was my first time being on a panel and talking about my transition. I had my girlfriend by my side and I even saw a few friendly faces so it was all good. It wasn't as scary as I thought, and after I got over the my nerves it was actually enjoyable. The following day I had people coming up to talk to me more about my journey but in a really kind and respectful way, it was nice to open up conversations that way you can break the stigma.

Sunday was the big day for us BAMbassadors, as it was the day of our event; Manhood:The Unanswered Questions. I am so pleased it went really well! It was also a very special day for me, as it was my first time performing spoken word since coming out as trans and I got to perform on stage at the Southbank Centre right at the closing event of the Being A Man Festival, it meant the world to me! It was better than I could of planned. I really liked working with Lionheart, our mentor. he helped coach me through my spoken word piece.  The audience seemed to like my lyrics and I got really nice feedback.  

The highlight of my evening was I also was winning the Trans Man award!!!!! This has put the cherry on top of such a memorable day. Thank you Macadie Amoroso for nominating me =)

Being a part of the festival was a really important learning curve for me, both on a personal and professional level . I am so glad I got to be a part of the process! I am Buzzing!!!

Man Braids!

#FutureKing!



Me & Mama Bella


Me & My Mum at my birthday meal, (as you can see we didn't hide all the evidence at Nandos!) 

I want to just take a moment to say; I love you Mama Bella! You are the most kind and caring soul I know, you have the most amount of strength and courage,you never give up, even when things are tough, you always find a way to make things happen, You have always been my hero, your love has always been unconditional and I admire you for everything you have overcome in your life, and always being there for me and my sisters, for raising us all by yourself and doing such a brilliant job.

You really are an amazing woman. I am so proud to be your son, I want to do you proud.
I want to be the best man I can be, because you created me; you gave me wisdom, hope and inner strength. Thank you for all you do, thank you for everyday you helped me, or invested in my future, gave me the rights tools to succeed.  For every time you listened, thank you for always loving me, regardless.  Not matter what. 

"It takes someone real special, to love unconditional." ~ Cairo Nevitt  

Birthday Day Boy



My birthday was by far the best I ever had!!!! I am hand on my heart have say; I am the luckiest man in the world. I am so blessed to have people in my life that love me for who I am. words don't come close to how special that is. I honestly couldn't wish or ask for more. 

Everyone went out there way to make my first bday as Cairo special and it was, well and truly! I got a new wardrobe and so many gifts of my favourites things, I got My first; Son.  Brother.  & Boyfriend card! To say I am happy is a understatement, you all moved me to tears. I strive everyday for people to see the real me, I love that everyone that matters supports me and accepts me for who and I am embraces that. I want to say the biggest thank to my Mum, little sisters and my girlfriend for making my day.You all spoilt me and went above and beyond, I love you all!  
#BdayBoy #transpride #blessed     



a few of my cards & #MrRight Cup XD  
Luckiest Man In The world! #BdayBoy.


Winter Ready Thanks To Criminal Damage






#WinterReady! Ninners Jacket by Criminal Damage. #Transmodel  #LDN

NEVER GIVE UP



Set your goals, keep making progress, find a way to over come setbacks. Trust the timing of your life. Never give up on you, #BelieveInYourself! XD  

Happy Halloween!



This Halloween I got a treat, when I was cast in the FREAK SHOW at the Vaults, I spent the night tricking people if they dared to dine with me. It was an immersive theatre piece with live actors, muscle men and drag queens! It was the best Halloween party in London! I had the most amount of fun whilst working, so I can only imagine how much fun everyone else had, It was so live!!!! The tunnels were packed with people ready to party! I believe everyone let out there inner freak.

It was my first step of dipping my toes back into acting, this reminded me that there are companies out there that are opened minded. That embrace diversity in all its forms,  The whole aim of the evening was one, to have a good time and two, to be proud of who you are, who ever you are!
To celebrate being unique & that we did! XD  

Kissing my lady at the end of the night. #Treat 




Journeys & Being A Man


















October has been quite busy and full of nice surprises. A few days after I deferred my place at university just by chance I got involved with two really exciting projects!

The first one is with the South Bank Centre- I am currently a young producer/ ambassador or their Being A Man festival! I feel so honoured to be able to have an input in such an important festival.  I have been working with a group of men aged between 18-25. It’s still in progress and I am excited about the event we are currently creating! I will share the details in the following weeks and hopefully get some of you to join us!

The BAM project has helped me understand that it’s not just Transmen that struggle with their identity but actually, so do all men. It’s good to know that I am not the only one that finds hyper masculine culture toxic. I have learnt a lot from my group and they have all been very accepting of me and although I was super anxious about  taking part in a project with only male peers, (as I do not currently ‘Pass’ and I have been finding it difficult with getting people in particularly men to perceive me as male.) However these guys have been fantastic! They have treated me the same way as all the other guys and for my social transition, being able to have that experience of being accepted as truly one of the guys has been hugely beneficial. I am so happy that I took a chance, now coming up to the forth session I am far more confident and the group is full of talent and it’s just a cool space to work in, I feel really inspired!

I can’t stress how important it is to socialise and be part of things, I feel like all these little things help me grow or remind me of my passions and things I have always related to. Every time I do something new, I am creating new memories and learning how to interact with people again and also at the same time I am breaking down other myths of what it means to be transgender. I am a people person and just because I am transitioning I don’t want that to just stop.

The next exciting project called Journeys, it is in partnership with Action and Disability and the Lyric Hammersmith, together they are producing a show which will have it's first sharing in December. The project itself, is the first of its kind as the company is made up of young disabled and able bodied performers. 

Society isn’t as up to date as we would all  like to think.  Having the chance to work with people with that have disabilities, has really opened my eyes, I love that we have all come together as one company. I am loving every rehearsal and it’s really refreshing, inclusive and I love the diversity! I feel like life has put me where I am supposed to be.  Hands of my heart; I think more companies need to be more open minded! As it’s rarely ever done and I feel it’s such a shame because I have been blown away with the group’s creativity! 

If anyone is interested in finding out more about this project or would like to be invited to the showcase, drop me an email.  If you would like to know more about Action and Disability visit their website: https://actionondisability.org.uk/



Transformation Tuesday:Wonderful parents

 As promised I want t to fill this blog with positive stories. Check out these two incredible examples of wonderful parents who support their transgender child.There are many more, but I can't share them all at once! #TransformationTuesday #Transpire #ProudToCallYouMySon. 

           



                             













          


Transpire.












transpire
tranˈspʌɪə,trɑːn-/
verb
  1. 1.
    (of a secret or something unknown) come to be known; be revealed.


I am dedicating this section of the blog to sharing inspirational transgender related videos! I believe there is need for this to help challenge the myths surrounding transgender people. As always, most of those myths have been founded by fear. I am keen to show that there are amazing role models out there to be proud of, share stories of strong individuals that have the heart and courage of a lion.   

I will also share stories of the wonderful parents who love unconditionally, the kind friends and allies out there that do show do support, to hopefully inspire others who may not know how, or just need some guidance. Transgender souls are real, we are real, we have voices. We are in all layers of society and we just want to be accepted and loved and at the very least; be treated with respect and be granted equal opportunities. 

I know there has been huge gaps in the information around Transgenderism. Transpire aims to make that gap smaller, I hope that this page can be used a source of inspiration and education. We can learn how to be better, to think before we assume. Let our minds be more open, our hearts more compassionate. Lets break down the barriers!
lets talk, laugh and even cry, but lets make change. Lets Do This! XD

Stayed Tuned & Stay Inspired.

Cairo Nevitt     

Trans Take Over!



#Selfie for #transtakeover! #thisiswhattranslookslike I don't care what anyone says...#Transisbeautiful! "Nothing is more beautiful, than being authentic." #transgenderpride. XD

Shoot For FTM Calendar.

Photographer: Paride Odierna. Model: Cairo Nevitt Category: Pre-T. Stylist Lala Monroe.

Deferring My Place At University.
























Let's just say it wasn't the typical exciting freshers week that I had in mind, After seeing the latest version of the programme breakdown. I decided to give up Film combined with Spanish and move back to the single honours in Film, because I was only informed two days before that I wouldn't be able to do the Production modules if I did Spanish! Which is the whole point of why I am going to university.

I was told it's a simple process, all I need to do is print of an official form and get both head of the each department to sign it. That didn't happen,  I had some issues with one of the lecturers, I don't understand what his problem was, but he really did everything to put me off. I keep coming back with good answers, I did everything he asked of me and then he still didn't sign it, He was quite sarcastic he basically told me to carry on and get on with it because that's what I signed up for.

Well no, I ain't paying £9,000 a year to just get on with nothing ! My official enrolment was the next day  I told him I am running out of time to swap, either way I need to know by the end of the day. Because if film production is full, then I will wait and come back next year. I want to have the same start as everybody else. (Both in terms of the information given in the sessions and in terms of group dynamics.)  
He literally didn't care, I don't believe he had any intention to put me on the course...when he doesn't even know me, I could be his one of his best student for all he knows and yet he chose to judge me in all the wrong ways! 


I also told him that I am transgender the day before and he didn't seem to take note on that, that whole talk about pronouns or calling me Cairo through the register instead of Ciarra went out the window. I was annoyed, because he pronounced Ciarra perfectly and no stranger ever did, literally no one, not in schools, not in castings, no one ever knows how it sounds the first time they read it. I knew he remembered our conversation. I asked him if he could point me in the right direction, as I would like to speak to someone else about this to get their advice. He said "you could do what you want, but you still need my signature."  I was starting to get pissed off, I still remained calmed. He originally said I could attend the introduction session with the film production students, But then he randomly said he didn't want me to. I was so annoyed at this point, I just had to end the conversation there.

I walked out the room, composed but I was furious. I walked through the campus not knowing really what to do next, which department to talk to, what to say, for the last two days since I been having trouble swapping over, when other students did so without any hassle, I just felt so confused. I starting doubting everything. I walked away from all the other freshers, I headed for a space without people, I cried in the car park. I just felt like if only people could understand this is really difficult as it is you know, I don't need people to purposely make things hard. I called my girlfriend and spoke to her about how I was feeling and I felt so torn. 

I was doubting if I am ready to start my degree now, while I am in the early stages of transitioning, I don't know if i can do it. I am someone that doesn't usually give up so easy, but I just felt like there's no point fighting for something, if it doesn't feel right; in my heart something is telling me, this isn't the right time to start my degree. Part of me felt so excited and I was already on the university grounds, the stubbornest in me says I earned a place to be here like everyone else. Stand your ground. But deep down I know I am not ready. It takes a lot to admit you aren't strong enough.

I walked around everywhere trying to find someone to talk to, I couldn't find the student welfare officer for a second opinion, all those things were not open until next week. Eventually I found the registration offices, I spoke to two ladies who were really kind and understanding they said they can change it and put me on the right course, as I already had the signature saying I have left the Spanish department and because I originally received an unconditional offer for the Film programme. (I just thought I would have to work twice as hard and get my Spanish alongside.) I felt so relieved, I cried. 


Although after that even with the problem fixed, I still felt torn, should I stay? or do I come back next year?  I battled with myself all evening. The next day, I went back to the same office and they had changed my details which made me happy. I said I know this is where I want to study. I know this is the subject want my degree in. However I would like to defer it for a year, so that I can come back and put my mind heart and soul into.I walked through the campus, mentally capturing every step as if it was a walk I should remember. A pathway, I will some day be familiar with. I tried my best not to feel defeated "I am coming back" a voice whispered, I will come back next year and conquer. This year, I will learn the ropes. Rome wasn't built in a day, neither is Cairo. 



Transformation Tuesday

Before and After 8 Weeks of consistent workouts. 

The main tips is to change what you eat and work out. It's not really a secret it's just takes action, if you want abs, you got to work for them. I do regular cardio workouts too, as its good for your overall health. (I am not looking to burn to much weight, My aim is to bulk up.)  However if weight loss is your goal; then I would recommend increasing your cardio, run, walk, do what you gotta do, but just do it. A couple of times a weeks, if you expect to see results. Don't waste your time with extreme diets, it just takes good old fashion exercise and regular meals, decent portions;  but just better choices.

This is link to a list of food that are known to be good for you as well as showing your abs: http://www.eatthis.com/foods-for-abs-ranked


In terms of routines, I just find Youtube videos and teach myself, I am still finding what works for me; for now I have mostly been using the Abs crunching machine with a light weight and doing 'leg raises' at the gym on the power station.

I am someone who has a sweet tooth and chocolate was my weakness!That was the challenging part for me to stop eating lots of cakes and chocolate bars and anything that has been covered in sugar. However my long term goals is way more important that short term pleasure so, here we are 8 weeks later. I have started eating bananas, blue berries and oats or Greek for breakfast. I am a changed man. I have more energy now that I am eating cleaner. My mind feels clearer too. It actually amazing what small changes can do!   


FTM FITNESS JOURNEY



To start off with, I just want to make it clear I am not a trained fitness professional, however after years of being a performer I have picked up tips on how to look after my body.  After being ill for months and having to take time to recover from an injury, I can also tell the importance of making sure you make time to rest and do be too hard on yourselves.

While I was ill, I was literally unable to be active over a course of two months, this really got me down. I also was eating more because I was on medication. Then as well when I was feeling depressed, I lost my appetite. It was really hard to begin with, to make sure I am eating the right type and amounts of food. I had to be very careful when working out because getting my general health back to normal has been my main goal.

I have had my challenges, I have been angry and frustrated. I Started working out and had to stop, due to my knee injury or because my victim D was low and I was still getting loads of aches and pains. I started back up, after a while I had to stop because the doctors where worried about my heart and they put me on a 7 day tape. Thankfully my heart is okay! I have had to really work on my minimising my stress and anxiety levels. Like it’s not been the smoothest ride. 

I have felt like giving up some days, but then I have to remind myself who I am. I never give up. I shouldn’t start now!  I want to take care of my body, I want to focus on living a healthy life style and I want to be stronger both physically and mentally.  I know that will help me as I transition.
  
I don’t have all the answers, I am just sharing as I am learning. I do know, that if you want something you got to go out and make it happen. What you give, you get back. You need to be prepared to work, you need to put your heart and soul into your choices otherwise, what’s the point.

There are no short cuts, if you want to achieve your goals, it’s down to you. Somethings take time, and you just got to persevere and do the best you can now.  Sure, I can’t do anything about the current NHS waiting times to get to a gender clinic nor can I do anything to speed up the process to start hormone therapy. I can, however start getting into shape. Taking T (Testosterone), isn’t the magic answer. I have had to look at hormone therapy like the icing on the cake; There is more to work on beforehand. (Remember some guys naturally transition.)  It’s everything, even as an actor, I know the importance of the way you carry yourself, from the way you walk to the way you interact with others. Keep your mind occupied, don’t put your life on hold until you get hormones, try take up a new hobby, whatever makes you happy.


I would recommend working out. I chose to work out because I believe it’s a positive way I can make change in my life. Working out has helped with my anger, it has helped decrease my dysphoria and boost my confidence. The race is long, but at the end of the day, its only with myself. Don’t get caught up on jealousy; Focus on your own journey and never compare yourself to others. It’s a waste on time and energy. Strive to be your own personal best!
  

FTM ON HOLIDAY

This was my first summer holiday as a transman,  I was heading for Madrid with My girlfriend and her younger two siblings. I was very much looking forward to having time away, to get my head clear ready for when I get back as shortly after I will be starting University!

I was excited about everything except for when I thought about getting in the pool. I decided that I cannot let my dysphoria control me, or to be a prisoner of my body.No Way! I love the sun! In the end I just wore board shorts and a sport bra----------------->

Sure some people looked at me, but also not as much as I would have thought. I didn’t make it a big deal, others didn’t make a big deal.  

It reminded me of my teenage years, when use to lived in Spain,  I would go swimming in a t-shirt and gym shorts. I forgot that I never wore a bikini until I was about 23. Simply because I never liked my body as a teenager, I just never wanted to wear one. (Obviously after modelling and acting I did wear things I would never have otherwise.)

Another thing I wouldn’t usually do; is walk around without wearing a sports bra... 
Especially because I use them to bind, However it was a heat wave in Spain and after the two days of suffering and getting pain in my ribs, I literally just couldn’t bear it. In the end, during the day I wore an oversized vest top that was fitted under the arms. it worked. I tried not to think about it to much.
Overall I was forced to step out of my comfort zone, which pushes you to grow.

While shopping in the centre, I decided to use the Men's changing room because there weren't any one working on the entrance. I felt so happy that I could just get changed on the same level like all the other guys, its not a lot to ask for really. Yet it made my whole shopping experience so much more enjoyable. Next time I am shopping in London; I have decided that I will use the Men's changing room and I will challenge anyone who refuses to let me. I won't be going up and down floors a million times! life will be simpler. =P      

Cairo Goes Clubbing...
































It was Saturday night and my girlfriend had a friend’s birthday we were invited to, plus my best friend was over for a few days from Madrid, we all got ready to go clubbing. After coming out to nearly everyone via social media; It was my first night out as Cairo, It wasn’t until I was waiting in the queue that I started to get a bit nervous when I saw two of my old college mates, who I haven’t seen in years.

I know they must have seen my status and I know these guys know me from my early performing arts days they have seen me in all sorts of costumes and I just felt anxious. At first I didn’t want them to even see me! I hide, because I didn’t know what to do really, I just felt like I just want to go out have fun and I don’t want no one to give me funny looks or anything or ask me a millions questions.  We all got in, got drinks, and then headed over to our friend’s corner. 

We danced and then later the guys I avoided in the queue, ended up talking to my friend and then they realised I was there, we all just laughed and actually to my surprise they both were really cool with me. They congratulated me and in all honestly it seemed like they were proud of me and respected the fact that it takes a lot of courage to make my decision to transition.I felt so relieved, (I have been more worried about how my guys would react to my transition and if they would take me seriously.) I am glad that they were there and that we spoke, it turned out to be a nice evening. Later we danced in the same groups and borrowed each other dance moves and just had a laugh,it was cool to have some male bonding. I don’t have loads of guys in my life,I live with my mum and my sisters the majority or my close friends are female. I felt accepted.


I feel really blessed that I have an abundance of love and support around me, this is a hard time and it makes all the difference! I got to shout out my girlfriend, because despite our little ups and downs she has been my number one supporter. Since I came out, I had been going through so many different emotions and challenges, and she has been holding my hand through it all. She helps me when I feel anxious and encourages me to step out of my comfort zone.She loves me unconditionally and #ILoveYouBaby!
I was also happy to have my best friend who flew from Spain to show her support, She reminded me that I am still me, I have the same presence, I shouldn’t hide or care what others think. I have to enjoy life, I got to go out and live.


I want all you trans guys & gals out there or in fact everybody, to know that there are people in this world that will love you for you, just because you may not have that in your life right this second, it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. You have to go out and find it! You may need to make new friends, or distant your self from people who also aim to bring you down, but it does exist and you are worthy. Always remember that you are worthy of love and you deserve to be around people that want to see you smile. Who have your back.I have spent years getting rid or the weeds and keeping the flowers.  

Stronger Than Ever

  


Another successful day in physiotherapy! (after a knee injury) No matter the weather, I haven't missed one session! #healing #roadtorecovery #progress #keepmovingforward #hardworkpaysoff #consistency #commitment #strongerthanever! XD

 


New Hair, New Man.








This new style has boosted my confidence. I walked out of the barbers a new man. I felt happier, lighter I even walked through central with a bounce in my step. I felt liberated like a weight had been lifted. 

FTM Get First Haircut.


Transman Gets His First Haircut! XD

The day arrived and I feel a mixture of nerves but also excitement and gratitude that I can finally do this! I arrived at Joe and Co's and was introduced to their lead stylist  Hayley. I instantly felt like I was in good hands, I was impressed with her portfolio and her presence made me feel chilled. We spoke about what I wanted done to my hair, I showed her the pics and off we went.

I explained that I am transitioning which is why it was such a big change in style, We did pop into their sister salon next door just to wash my hair as it was the best option. While I was there the other barber asked me about my hair cut; he spoke to me about grading which I never actually knew much about, it was also educational and as a transman there is loads to learn as you enter this new world into manhood.  I think it’s really cool when people are understanding and even help you by give you pointers. Rather than funny looks and sarcastic comments.

I was back in the barbers in no time and everyone at Joe and Co's were being really cool and chatting to me, I felt really comfortable.  I felt the whole team was on board rooting for me to come out feeling happy and with fresh cut. 

I felt like I was being given VIP treatment. Or maybe that’s just their quality service.  I’d look in the mirror and see nothing but smiles as different people walked passed me, it was a very supportive environment.  All the stylist were slick with their cuts and took the time to listen to what you want. Yes, I know, I chose the right place.


One stylist even said he wanted to be the one to do my hair. Which I thought was nice, as I felt really welcome and wanted. Because in all honestly,  my first cut as transman could have been a whole other experience. The main person to thank was lead stylist top barber Hayley, She really took care of me! Made me feel at ease, I know my hair was a hard job, I needed someone with skills. She was a diamond! I was totally satisfied with my cut. Honestly I can’t thank her enough! 

I was so happy with the final result and the way everything was handled. I would highly recommend Joe and Co's barber's in soho! 100% . Visit: www.joeandco.net

Walk Alone In Your Truth If You Must.



“You know when you’re an actor, you are trained that literally no matter what; the show must go on.  Well that discipline and that inner strength is sometimes required in life.”-Cairo Nevitt



FTM - Bad Hair, Everyday.


Trigger warning- To my long hair fan club... It's finally booked; I am getting my hair cut! 

(You may think I am joking but for years everyone would freak out at even the mention of a trim. My hair needs to be cut. Yes, my beautiful curly long hair.I need a change)

After months of being very unhappy with my hair I have finally decided to book in a appointment at the barbers. I have been tempted to just get a really short cut or recreate the iconic GI Jane moment when the beautiful Demi Moore shaves her whole head off, sending everyone a clear f*** you statement. I am not going to lie, I do understand the frustration! I am not going to though, so relax! 

What people don’t seem to realise is; as a newly out transman socialising with guys has its challenges.  I want men to known I am one of the guys, and not their pray.  Sure I am a pretty boy, but the key word is boy. I wish to be treated as one. Keeping my hair exactly same is not doing me any favours. I don't care how beautiful or lovely and long it is, I hate it. I really do, I haven't wore it out in months and have no intention too. 

There is a lot of tension in the air around me getting my hair cut, both from my girlfriend and my mum. I am an adult, I need this change, I feel miserable with the way am now, my hair is giving serious dysphoria. I just hope they can understand, I just want to look in the mirror and smile again.   

I AM TRANSGENDER ( Coming Out On Facebook- Response. )

I haven't smiled like this in a long time! Thank You All xXx
After coming out on Facebook couldn't believe how much positive comments flooded my timeline,inbox and phone. I Literally don't even have words!! All your unconditional love has given me so much strength! Thank you, all your kind words and messages have moved me! And have filled my heart with so much joy. I am blessed.  All you beautiful beings have put the biggest smile on my face!! The support that I have received has far exceeded my expectations!! I am well and truly grateful beyond words. Thank You. 

I AM TRANSGENDER. ( coming out on Facebook.)





"This is making me so sad and anxious but I can't keep pretending. I just got to be honest and say, I Am Transgender. 
I have decided to take a break from acting/ in order to focus on my transition, 
I no longer wish to be addressed as Ciarra or as She or Her etc...
2016 has been a year of self discovery and challenges. 
But through the struggles, I am wiser. By slowing down, I understand things that I Never gave the time to.
I can't stress how important it is that I do this. 
Since accepting this my anxiety levels have gone through the roof, 
I have been worrying about everything and it's really not the way I want to live! Powered or paralysed by fear.
I Chose to live with Courage, Pride and Dignity! 
I realise, hiding this is the worst thing I could do. 
Because despite how people judge, 
being transgender isn't a choice. 
I chose life, I choose happiness. 
I want to live as My True Self. Surely that has to be a beautiful thing. 
I Am Cairo Leo Nevitt.#EmbraceIt! XD 
#Nofilter #Positivevibesonly #transpride"

FTM In Venice

Photographer:Cairo Nevitt.
Me and My girlfriend had a much needed holiday in the most beautiful city in the world, you guessed it; Venice!

We had a lovely time away, it was a healing trip. We enjoyed everything we ate and was surrounded by beauty. It was nice to have time for us, with no stress or worries. Over the last month my anxiety has got to the point where it’s literally changed my heart rate. I got sent to cardio department after going to my GP for a general check-up, which made me even more concerned. My heart rate was going at 130 when I was just sitting down. I had been having panic attacks, I know it’s because I am carrying around a secret the weight of which is so heavy. I keep getting that Fight or Flight feeling.

Going away was a chance for me to spend quality time with my girlfriend and for us to both have a break, I used my time in Venice to restore the balance in my life. To find myself, to focus on my relationship and to figuring out what I needed to do to create peace in my life and happiness.

I feel like keeping this secret is a cross too heavy to bare,  it has literally had a negative effect on my health when I am supposed to be on the mend! I had my camera with me, I made a few coming out videos, however In the end I didn’t use those videos because my confidence weren’t there at all ; I didn’t like the way I was coming across, it didn’t seem like myself, it seemed insecure and timed and almost ashamed or as if I was asking for permission.


I decided that either way I was going to come out when I get back.  I know that I am comfortable and strong enough now. I can handle it, if nobody likes me anymore, I will just have to live with that and find new people who do appreciate me. Because I will not be made to feel ashamed of myself.  

A Letter To My Sister.

“…As you know I have been going through a lot lately and I have loads of time on my hands to think. Which I never have at any point over the last five years. I have had to make a really tough decision to follow my own happiness and to be brave. Because I have “realised” or accepted rather; that I am transgender. I know this might come as a shock but as a child I was always different and had gender issues and to be honest I never grew out of it. I just tried for my acting career.  I wanted to tell the people who are most important to me first, then over the summer I begin to tell more people. Because I am starting University in September and I want things to be clear from the beginning. I have decided to transition and there are loads of steps and requirements, it’s a long process but its for the best and really important for my own happiness. I will essentially be the same person as I am now, just as if I were the male twin of my own self. Hormones won’t change my morals or beliefs etc.. I will change my name to Cairo. I don’t mind if you want to talk about this more, or ask questions for your own clarity or even if you just need some time to let it sink in. Anyways I hope you have a nice bank holiday." Xx 

Coming Out To My Little Sister

I came out to my little sis and she was the best! Her response was the best she said “Aww I always wanted an older brother, I kinda had one but now I will defiantly have one!!!”
 she was so understanding! She made sense of it right away, I was so happy! I felt moved and so blessed. Thank you little sis, your support means the world to me.
   


Pronouns

I was washing up in my kitchen while my girlfriend was preparing dinner, My sister and her friend who also happens to be a transgender woman came back and was hanging out in the kitchen.  My sister was talking about me being transgender and she keep asking me a million questions at first I was being defensive, then my sisters friend was helping guide the conversation, because think I she could tell I felt uncomfortable but I found it helpful that she was there that day, as she understood where I was coming from and also that my sister means well, she talked about her transition too which made me feel like there was less attention was on me. It was helpful for my girlfriend and my sister to hear too, as they had someone in the room who was happy to talk about transitioning and was in a confident place where she could communicate with ease.

You have to remember at this point I was still struggling with my own self-acceptance and I didn’t have all the answers yet.  We got on the subject of pronouns after I let my guard down, after ages of them setting it up, I finally said; “I would like for you all to call me Cairo and use male pronouns, I would like for you to refer to me as he, or him when talking to me or about me.”

Which they did and it made me feel a sense of relief and I felt so much lighter.

I think something to add is that I don’t expect everyone to get it right all the time in the beginning and that it takes practice to use the right pronoun, as long I know everyone is making an effort or not purposely trying to get it wrong. I understand and won’t take it personally. It took me a while to even get it right.

ADVICE: If you accidentally say the wrong pronoun; simply correct yourself and move on.It doesn’t have to be a big deal.


My First Meeting

I was very anxious about going to my first FTM meeting. I worried about everything, I am so new to this, I have only Just selected my name (Cairo and Leo is my middle name) that’s as far as I got.  I look pretty much the same. Or worse, I didn't know how the other guys would be, I didn't know all the correct ways of saying things, like all the right terminology when talking as being transgender. I was worried about offending the rest of the group by mistake, I knew I needed to connect with others who were going through the same as I was. In the end the next London meeting wasn't until next month and I couldn't really wait that long! I needed to meet other transmen and in all stages of their transition, I wanted reassurance. I wanted to socialise as Cairo.

The next meeting was in Brighton as they had a special group facilitation training day. I managed to book a cheap ticket as it was in advance.  On the day, I was the most terrified I have ever been; My legs were shaking when I stood still, I had butterflies, my throat was dry, sweaty palms. I had never even asked anyone to call me my new name. I was totally going out of my comfort zone!!!
All the journey there I wondered how it would go, It was really raining, but I didn’t let anxiety or the rain stop me. Today I will learn more about being transgender, I will meet new people and this is a really positive step in the right direction.  

I arrived at the session 10 mins late, so I didn’t get the chance to talk to everyone beforehand, they had just started and they were doing a ice breaker; we had to say our name and our pronouns. (My grammar is not amazing and at first secretly I had no idea what that meant!) Luckily I didn’t have to go first, haha! By the time it got round to me I realised it just means the way you identify/ would like to be referred to as e.g. He/Him or She/Her or They/Them (meaning one person) it was the first time I meet someone non-binary, which in all honestly completely blew my mind, as I didn’t realise transgender was just an umbrella term and that actually there is whole spectrum of gender and some people feel they do not belong in either box.  I wrote that My name is Cairo, I use He/Him.
It was really funny being called He/Him for the first time. I liked it, but after being called She since well, forever it did take me a while to get use to. However I am happy that I was in a safe space and that all the other members were supportive and understand.

The session was aimed around group facilitation, I learnt a lot and being that I do have experience in drama facilitation I was able to be confident when answering the questions and that helped my overall confidence.  During the breaks I spoke to different people in the group and had really cool discussions, I made a few new contacts and overall I felt a sense of relief on the train home. I was proud that I didn’t chicken out!      

Shopping To Combat Dysphoria

I felt like a kid on Christmas day, I have been shopping a million times but this felt different. We chose a smaller high street and had to stop and rest regularly because my knee was still playing up however the actual trip was the source of my happiness even in pain I pushed myself because I knew this was going to help me feel better. I just wanted to feel at ease.
Changing rooms where also something I felt annoyed about because the men’s section was generally a floor apart from the women’s. Each time I had to go from the men’s section to the women’s to get changed. Which one made me feel more dysphoric, secondly I was still having trouble with my knee as you can imagine; stairs where my enemy! After trying on basically half the rail of different sizes, I found the best one for me, I picked up a pair of jeans and a few t-shirts.

I felt a bit intimated when in the men’s sections searching for boxers, I didn’t know my size and you can’t really try them on, so I took longer to decided which ones to buy.  I just felt like some guys looked at me like I shouldn’t be there, because it didn’t look like I was looking for to get someone a gift, lucky for me my girlfriend was there and she just made me laugh and just told me not to worry about others, after she said that I felt more relaxed and I just carried on shopping as usual.  

Once I was home the first thing I tried on was the boxers, which fitted me fine and then after that I just put on my new t-shirt, jumped on my bed, I was just the happiest person in the world, I felt comfortable, I felt like a guy. I am, but I felt like one for the first time, just like this is how it was always supposed to be. 

The next day I tried on the rest of my new clothes and then it didn’t seem to have the same effect, I looked in the mirror and it was as if I noticed everything female about myself. Which really troubled me.  I don’t know where these tears came from, but I just burst out crying.  I was getting ready to go out, so I was wearing a bra and it just made me feel so distressed. I didn’t want to go out anymore. My girlfriend hugged me and told me not to worry, we can buy a binder if I wanted or get some sports bras to flatten down my chest.  Which was a really important step to make me feel okay again.


Once I sorted out that little problem, I felt comfortable and over the moon with my new FTM wardrobe. It really did make all the difference.

ADVICE: If you have a transgender friend/loved one, in particularly in the early stages of their transition, help them out by supporting them on a shopping trip, if will boost their moral. Plus its a great chance to talk and even you just being there means the world.